archivist:

I took this picture about 3 minutes ago as I type this. I’m listening to an interview between Jian Ghomeshi and M.I.A. I’m a graduate school educated white girl, 30 years old, with a fair amount of privilege. I hope that I’m fairly self aware, and rather interested in the world around me.

I started exercising in earnest back in September 2010. I started a Crossfit-like program about 9 months ago. In the last year I’ve lost about 30 pounds, give or take, and definitely gained lean muscle mass. The people I work out with inspire me every goddamn time I walk into that gym. So why do I hate my body?

This girl in the picture has 30 years of brainwashing telling her she’s not slim enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, not good enough.

I wish, so hard, that I could accept the compliments of my fellow gym mates. I wish, so hard, that I could see what they see. I know that I’m healthy, that I’m taking the steps to increase my health regularly, yet still I sabotage myself and don’t do the things I know I ought to to improve from this point, if that’s indeed what I want.

The conditioning runs so deep that I hit these plateaus and I’m goddamn terrified of becoming anything better than this. This is the best it’s been in years. No one tells you that this is scary, that it takes so much to get this far and then yes, we continue. Yes, we go on, yes, sometimes we laugh as we cry on the floor covered in sweat.

I’m fighting to find myself. I’m fighting for myself. Every day.

And I think to win this fight I have to release all the fears and just be. Some days this is like breathing. Other days I cry while I confess things on the internet. So it goes.

i cried reading this :)